Things I Never Said
by nero749
Summary: Another prompt from Tumblr, the prompt was: Varric x f!hawke - Things you didn't say at all When Hawke joins the Inquisition, Varric decides it's time he is finally honest with her about his feelings. But will he have the courage to tell her before it is too late?
"You're not actually leaving me behind?" Varric demanded. He had expected this, but he still wished he could come with Hawke and the others.

"You want to come? I've never known you to want to come along and fight demons and mages, Varric," Hawke said.

Varric pursed his lips, "no, but I'm also not in the habit of letting my friends face danger on their own." _Especially not you_ , he thought to himself.

"Hawke will hardly be on her own," the Inquisitor said, "you don't have to worry Varric."

Varric shook his head, he could hardly explain to the Inquisitor that he had more reasons to want to come along with them than just keeping Hawke save. His left hand was in his pocket, holding onto a small scroll; a letter he had written to Hawke in case he lost his nerve and wouldn't say what he had to. And he had lost his nerve, and now it seemed he wouldn't get the chance until they all returned.

"I'm not worried," Varric lied, "I just think you need me."

"I always need you Varric," Hawke said, slapping his shoulder, "but I think I can handle a couple of wayward Wardens on my own."

"Yes," Varric said, "but I'd still like to come along and help."

The Inquisitor shook her head, "we're facing demons and mages, I'm taking Cassandra, Blackwall and Solas because they are best suited to fight those."

"I have my fair share of experience fighting mages and demons, I'd have you know," Varric argued.

"I promise to take you with me into the next seemingly hopeless fight," Hawke said. "You know I wouldn't leave my trusty dwarven friend behind unless I absolutely had to."

"You have before," Varric muttered. He hadn't seen Hawke in years, untill she had come to the Inquisition. True, Varric had only spoken to her in letters but had never said what needed to be said, always telling himself he wanted to do it face to face, but when Hawke had arrived at Skyhold, he had kept quiet. As the weeks had passed, Varric always found some excuse why he couldn't tell Hawke that day, and eventually the time had come to ride out to Adamant. And still he hadn't said anything. Varric sighed. After this was resolved, Hawke would most likely leave Skyhold again and Varric still wouldn't get to speak to her. This was his last chance for Maker knew how many years.

"But I always come back to you," Hawke joked, "how could I resist your dwarven charms?"

"Yes it seems I'm irresistible to women carrying big knives," Varric said, a small, uncharacteristically nervous, laugh followed.

Hawke seemed surprised by this. "You're genuinely worried aren't you?"

"It is kind of a fulltime job when it comes to you, Chuckles," Varric said, deliberately not looking at Hawke.

"Come one Varric, I have my wily ways," Hawke said, "and worse comes to worse and who knows, maybe another dragon will swoop down and save me."

"Relying on random dragon encounters is no way to lead your reckless life, Hawke," Varric said.

"It'll have to do until I master that particular trick myself."

Varric laughed. "I dread to think the destruction you'd cause if given that power. You're enough of a force of nature as it is. Kind of like one of those storms that flood entire villages."

"Admit it Varric, you think I would look amazing as a dragon," Hawke said.

"Varric, Hawke, I'm sorry but we have to go," the Inquisitor said. Alistair was gesturing for them to join him and Cullen at the front of the army. It was clear everyone was preparing for the final march.

"Look at it this way," Hawke said to Varric as she slowly made her way to Alistair and the others, "once I'm back you'll have another story to lie about!"

Varric sighed. "Just come back will you."

"Have a little faith Varric! You forget I took on the Arishok in one to one combat and won!"

"And you forget you spent almost all of that battle running in circles!" Varric called out to her. In his pocket his hand tightened around the small scroll.

"Wait!" Varric called out and he ran up to Hawke. He looked at her bright blue eyes looking down at him, eagerly awaiting what he was going to say. He wondered if she would be surprised if he told her how he felt, or if part of her already knew, and maybe even felt the same way. If he didn't say anything now, he'd never have the courage to do so. Varric hadn't seen her in years and after this it could be years again, and still he didn't seem to be able to open his mouth.

"Was there something you wanted to say, Varric?" Hawke asked. Behind her Varric could hear the Inquisitor calling out for Hawke to hurry up.

"No, I just… wanted to give you this," Varric said, taking out the scroll and pushing it into her hand. "Just read it when you have the time. Not now," Varric said.

Hawke smiled, "Ooh, an illicit message, you're too kind Varric," she squeezed his arm, "we'll discuss the juicy details when I'm back."

"I suspect so," Varric said under his breath. His heart was violently beating in his chest. Whatever would happen now, he couldn't take it back, he watched as Hawke tucked his confession away in one of her pockets. Part of him wanted to take it back, but it was time he stopped putting this off, if he didn't tell her now, then when?

* * *

The group slowly made their way through the Fade, Hawke tried her best to ignore the enormity of what they had just accomplished – physically walking in the Fade – there would be time enough to panic once this was over.

The Fear Demon had tried to influence everyone in their group, exposing their biggest fears, prodding where it would be most effective. Hawke didn't really understand what the demon hoped to accomplish. They were stuck here and had to get out, regardless of whether they got scared while doing it – besides any sane person would feel some fear in this situation. Hawke remembered the last time she had been in the Fade, demons had tried to tempt her friends then as well, for Fenris and Isabela it had worked, Justice on the other hand had the unfair advantage of being a spirit. She hadn't blamed either Fenris or Isabela, though it had been awkward facing them after killing themin the Fade. Was that why the Fear Demon was pestering the group, did it hope that they would all turn on each other?

Everyone had heard their biggest fears exposed already, and Hawke knew it was only a matter of time before it would be her turn. What would it be, she wondered? She'd never been particularly fond of spiders – especially the unholy large kind – but was that really her biggest fear? Personally she suspected her biggest fear was family dinner with Gamlen. Hawke shuddered just thinking about it.

" _Did you think you mattered, Hawke? Did you think anything you ever did mattered_?" the booming voice came from somewhere high above them.

"Oh goody, is it my turn now?" Hawke said to the sky.

"You couldn't even save your city. How could you expect to strike down a God?"

"I don't know, Kirkwall is doing pretty well by Kirkwall standards," she shrugged, "and so far I'm not that impressed on the God-front, I have to tell you." Hawke turned to Alistair. "Pretty sure I could've come up with scarier things myself," she smiled.

"Varric is going to die," the voice now called out. "Just like your family, and everyone you ever cared about."

Hawke froze.

"Well, that's going to grow tiresome quickly," she said. Hawke tried to hide it, but that last remark had unnerved her more than she cared to admit. Unthinkingly, Hawke reached into her pocket, reaching for Varric's letter. Hawke tightened her fingers around the small scroll, feeling a little better now. _Why would it mention Varric by name_ , she idly wondered.

As the group slowly continued its journey through the Fade, Hawke wondered whether she could take the time to read Varric's letter. She decided to risk it and took out the scroll, quickly unrolling it. It looked like Varric had started to write the letter, addressing her by his nickname for her, but 'Chuckles' was scratched out, replaced by simply 'Hawke.'

 _Hawke,_

 _You will probably think I'm a coward for putting this in a letter rather than face you. Truth is, this is already hard enough and I don't think I would risk telling you this in person. I tried, but apparently I am very good at self-sabotage. And I have to tell you now, after all these years. Besides, you're riding out with the Inquisitor and knowing you you'll probably put yourself in danger again, a person might think you like risking your life for 'good causes.' Suppose I am doing the same thing with the Inquisition. I blame you for that by the way, I never was this altruistic before I met you._

 _I should have told you before, Maker knows I've had enough chances, but there was always some other crisis to deal with first, and before I knew it there was another ocean between us and I wanted to wait until I saw you again._

 _I know, I know, I sound far too serious, but… this is important. I've wanted to say this to you for a long time and… I really don't know how to say this. I might be a writer but contrary to popular belief, I am actually not very good with words. Not when it matters, it seems._

 _I've known you for years Hawke, We've been business partners, friends, and… and I care about you Hawke. I… I suspect I've considered you more than a friend for a long time now._

 _I have no right to expect anything from you but I needed you to know the truth, finally._

 _Varric_

Hawke blinked. Whatever she had expected from the letter, this wasn't it. She quickly reread the most important part, making sure she had understood his words right. " _I've considered you more than a friend for a long time now,_ " Hawke quietly repeated the words to herself. Did he mean to say that he… _Varric_ , of all people? Hawke considered the confession, turning the letter over in her hand, almost expecting the other side to hold an admission of this being an elaborate joke. But there was nothing there; the confession was genuine.

"Figures he would wait to tell me until I am on the other side of the veil," Hawke said to herself, but she was smiling while she said it. Hawke had never been particularly good with being serious about her emotions, and maybe that was why Varric's confession had come as such a surprise. Not just surprise that he would feel that way about her, but surprise because she found she felt the same way.

Was that why the fear demon had use the possibility of Varric's death to unnerve her? Had it known what Hawke had not discovered about her own feelings yet?

"Is something amiss?" Cassandra asked, pulling Hawke's thoughts back to their current situation.

"Trapped in the Fade with a giant fear demon to defeat? No, everything is just peachy," Hawke said, she quickly put the scroll back into her pocket and caught up with the group. There was the question of the fear demon to resolve first, there would be plenty of time to speak with Varric after they'd escaped.

* * *

"They're coming back through!" Varric heard one of the Inquisition's soldiers shout. He quickly made his way through the crowd, trying to reach the giant rift in front of him. The rift crackled and sparked in the familiar way, but instead of demons, this time Cassandra, Blackwall and Solas came through it. All three of them stumbled, trying to stay on their feet, as the crowd approach them, eager for answers. Varric however kept his eyes on the rift.

Nothing happened.

"Where is the Inquisitor?" Cullen demanded as he pushed his way through the crowd. The three who had come through the rift looked as confused as everyone else did.

"I don't know," Cassandra said, looking back at the rift.

"Where are the others?" Varric pushed forward, finally reaching the rift. "Where is Hawke?" he asked, looking at the three who had come through.

"They were right behind us," Blackwall said.

"Then where –" Varric started.

The rift crackled again, and soon both the Inquisitor and Alistair came stumbling through. Varric held his breath, his eyes locked on the rift, willing it to show him Hawke. The other eyes in the crowd were focused on the Inquisitor, but Varric kept his on the rift.

Nothing happened.

Varric felt his heart sink, he had been in too many battles not to know what this meant. "No," he whispered.

The Inquisitor meanwhile was met with loud cheers and the Wardens who had hunted Alistair just hours before, now welcomed him as a brother. No one but Varric seemed aware of the absence of Hawke.

Varric slowly approached the Inquisitor, she looked up and when her eyes met his, he knew his fears were well-founded, the guilt he saw in the Inquisitor's eyes, as she quickly looked away from him, its message was louder than the cheers of the crowd around him.

"I'm so sorry Varric," the Inquisitor said, almost whispering. "I…" she shook her head.

"You left Hawke behind?"

"The Inquisitor had no choice, Varric," Alistair said, "Hawke sacrificed herself so we could escape."

"Of course she did," Varric shook her head.

"If there had been another way…" the Inquisitor slowly approached him, reaching out for Varric, but Varric turned his back on her.

"Don't… just don't, Inquisitor. There's nothing left to say."


End file.
